A few years ago I started attending psychotherapy training.  As common with these kinds of study, participants are themselves expected to receive therapy; not so much so they can appreciate the client's experience, but more so that they become more "sorted" themselves, and be able to be more objective and effective when dealing with client's issues, especially those that resonate with the their own.

I often feel that therapy is one of those unjustly undervalued activities, as it commonly carries a negative connotation: "What, you are going to therapy?  What's wrong with you?!!"  Whenever I get a chance, I would casually, but proudly, disclose the fact that I've had numerous hours of therapy myself, and from different providers.  From experience, and much of it personal, I know that it takes much courage, openness and self-centeredness to be parrying with the therapist.  Those who claim they don't need it, or are not willing to partake, are in fact not ready for this type and intensity of personal growth.

I remember one day at the group learning session I had a brainwave.  I started saying, "I think the best thing parents can do for their children..."; and at this point all my colleagues turned to me, looking earnest, as if a major piece of wisdom is about to be proclaimed; so I continued, "is to pay for their therapy."

I was the only one who wasn't laughing, because I was being deadly serious!  Like a stock broker making a simple recommendation to their clients on what to buy or hold, there would have been much thoughts, homework and experience in the background before the verbal statement is made.  The brainwave moment was more to do with intuitively finding the right moment to exert the appropriate impact.  I am not sure if the moment had its intended impact, I am more inclined to be convinced of the fact that most parents overestimate their influence and take too much responsibility for the development of their children.  I know this is easily heresy for many, so I will now quickly present my perspective before I start the phenomenon of "PC Rage"!  But one last thing before I do, I will remind you of the final sentence in the little introduction above, where it says I don't claim I have the truth, but merely our truth; you are, as always, equally entitled to yours!

As in the case of the little acorn, it contains within itself every piece of information it needs to turn itself into not just a mighty oak, but a mighty oak that is unique and unlike any others; except that it stands out and stands strong like any others, and charismatically takes pride in its impact on its environment.  All it requires is a conducive environment that supports and allows its natural expression of self.  Imagine just how much more a little person is supposed to do!  It is widely acknowledged that we only make use of a fraction of our brain, and with this diminutive prowess, why should we not expect, or at least suspect, that we could be a lot cleverer with a lot of things that we do, including raising children?

Children come into the world cosmic-wide-web (not merely world-wide-web) ready, wired up to access information and support they will need to fulfill their Soul Contract, their Spiritual Mission; they are at peace with whatever they are to encounter, for therein lies the learning they have come for.  But alas, much of their abilities to convey this were zapped at the birth canal, and the first experience of fear, of lack, of insecurity, begins the moment it senses and complies with the anxieties of those around them.

Parents are much influenced by their own parents, so this system is fundamentally flawed.  Whichever schools of psychology you look into, there seems to be loose agreement that the first years, up to the age of about 7, are critical for how the child sees the world, and how she sees herself in relation to the world.  I feel this is perhaps incomplete, and should more accurately be, how she's been educated to see the world, which may or may not be, and in most cases are not, how she has meant to come to experience this particular lifetime.

Whilst the earthly mind is greatly influenced and molded by parental and other authoritative figures in the early years, the sub-conscious and the heart will always remain connected to the original intent of the Spiritual self, the Super-conscious, the Over Soul, whichever way you choose to express it.  So it is more than possible that the Mind thinks it wants one thing, but the Heart knows otherwise.  This reminds me of a Chinese idiom that translates into "Same Bed, Different Dreams".  This is usually used to describe a couple who are very different and not very well connected.  But here, I am tempted to use it to describe what it is like to have such disconnect within oneself.  At least with a couple, they can always split up and go their separate ways, but if it's within oneself, then it is relatively not as straightforward to resolve.  What might that look like in real life?

Jane was a young marketing professional who had just been made redundant from a multi-national organization.  When working through what she might wish to be doing next, one of the values she claimed she held strongly was "security and stability".  A little later, when asked how she's been spending her time, she told me she liked to go rock climbing in Malaysia.  Out of curiosity, I pointed out to her that I couldn't think of anything that was less secure and stable than rock climbing!  When inquired further, it turned out that she is one of 5 children and her mum was a single mother responsible for their upbringing, and she and her siblings were constantly told by their mother to always have a job.  It was so drummed into her that she began believing it's one of her values too.  Having considered this, Jane re-examined her motive, and began concluding that there were no practical reasons or genuine desire for security and stability to be a critical factor; in fact, she wanted a change of career, do something she had never done before and in a different industry sector.

Alex was a successful financial consultant when he came to see me, having left his latest employment in misty circumstances.  I got a bit concerned after reading the report of a personality profiling exercise, which suggested that he is highly creative and may well want to be working in the artistic industry!  Hardly a fit for a financial expert.  I was braced for a challenging conversation, only that Alex gave an impassive response to the news.  He let out a sigh, and said if he had the chance to do it all over again, he would have gone into graphics design, or worked with advertising agencies.  Instead, he chose the financial field, and legal field before that, only because he didn't believe he could make a livelihood in the field of arts.

Both Jane and Alex had not listened to their hearts, and had instead relied on societal pressures, conventional wisdom and external influences to determine for them their life paths.  No bees have ever wanted to be ants instead; no tigers ever aspire to be lions.  When the veil created by the mind is lifted, everything has a place, and everything is in its place.

Therapy is about enhancing self awareness, and find out what feels natural is in fact habitual only.  I remember an incident with one of my ex-managers when I was working in corporate:  I had a very open relationship with my manager, whom I will call Sid.  Sid and I used to talk a lot about just anything and everything, however, when I had specific issues to raise, I tried to keep it focused by having an informal agenda with me.  One day I said to Sid I had 3 things to ask him, and I started with issue No. 1 once I knew I had his attention.  As he indicated closure to issue No. 1, I moved on to issue No. 2. 

Half way through, he stopped and said, "hold on a minute, so you came to me with 3 issues, and you told me what issue No. 1 was, then you listened to what I had to say, then you said thank you, then you gave me issue No. 2."

I was strongly guessing he wasn't looking for praise for being able to recount what took place in the previous 3 minutes, so I gave a cautious "that's right...", with a "so what's your point" kind of look and overtone.

What followed was a metaphorical baseball bat landing on my head, when he said, "so what about what YOU think"; he continued relentlessly, "you are an intelligent, educated professional whom I paid a lot of money to hire, I want to hear what you think, I want to hear you say that's great, or that's horseshit because of this and this...  I want to learn from you as well, it's not just about me telling you what I think because I am the boss!!"

Before I could recover from the blow, more punches landed.  I began realizing such training started taking place probably when I was in primary school, where teachers and other authoritative figures were revered and feared.  In the name of being Respectful, I became a scaredy cat, ready to kowtow to anyone I perceived to be in authority, and calling it a habit of respect.

With the insight and awareness, I was then able to "get off the stage", reclaim my power on the Director's stool, and made the decision that past performance is not necessarily an indicator to future potential!

So don't wait for your parents to pay for it, the name on the back of the Director's stool is yours.

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The Baby and the Acorn - a Parable

There was once a 6 month old baby who was having a good crawl around his garden at home when he came across an acorn on the ground.

“Hello”, he said, “and who might you be?”

“I am an acorn”, came the equally courteous reply.

The youngsters struck up a conversation without much inhibition, as they do.  “So what do you want to be when you grow up?” inquired the curious baby.

“I am going to be a mighty oak tree”, the acorn responded in a heartbeat, “I will have a trunk that would take 3 men to hug, I will have branches that stretch out in most inspirational gestures, I will provide shading for the tired, allow lovers to make indelible declaration on my veneer, and bathe in moonlight while I create wonderings about the vastness of the Universe.”

“That’s wonderful!”, cried the baby, and full of admiration and enthusiasm, the baby also made his declaration: “I am going to be a park attendant in a large and busy park”, continued the baby; “I am going to be the one making sure that the grass is well trimmed, the flowers well groomed and the facilities well kept.  I will be providing a place of rest for those tired of body, a place of tranquility for those tired of mind, and a place of solace for those tired of spirit.  I will be making silent connection with those I see come and go, whether they realize I have been of service to them I care not.  For those who do notice me, I will help them realize that in the midst of today’s hustle and bustle, it is still OK to stop and mark the moment of Now with a smile.”

The 2 friends exchanged a briefest moment of eternity, and went their separate ways.

It took a total of forty five years and a hundred and seven days before the acorn was able to catch the eyes of the baby again.  The acorn, by now, was of course an oak, and the baby a man.

The friends’ recognition was unmistakable.

“Hey, it’s been a while my friend”, the man sighed as he exhaled, pondering on the fact that he has time to notice how the breath was made visible by the cold winter air.

“Not for me”, parried the mighty oak with warmth and wisdom as he persisted, “I see you everyday, twice a day, very early in the morning and very late in the evening.  But your gaze had always been but where you actually were, so how did you expect to see me?  I had observed, nevertheless, that when you were within reach of my presence, your strides became shorter, slower, your gait less tiresome and your back straighter.  So how have you been my dear friend?”

“Well, I was a partner in an established architect firm”, began the man, sounding somewhat contrived, “I so called designed and built high street shopping malls, car parks and affordable housing units”, his tone conspicuously deteriorating, “everyday I walked into a soulless office, pored over soulless pieces of diagrams, translating them into formidably soulless structures, just so the masses could enjoy sustaining their soulless lives.”

The wise old oak remained empathetically silent as he subtly encouraged the man to continue.

“I had a childhood where I had want of nothing and more; I figured that I had my parents to thank for, and indeed they made sure they remind me of that.  I did well in school, so I had to choose a subject commensurate with my potential.  I did well in college, so I had to apply to the top firms for my internship.  I did well in my internship, so I had to accept their job offer.  I did well in my job, so I had to accept the offer of partnership.  The firm was taken over by another company, I was the most junior partner and so I had to be the one who was fired.”

“What about you?”, barely mustering up the energy to reciprocate the courtesy.

“I have been providing a place of rest for those tired of body, a place of tranquility for those tired of mind, and a place of solace for those tired of spirit.  I have been making silent connection with those I see come and go, whether they realize I have been of service to them I have cared not.  For those who do notice me, I have been helping them realize that in the midst of today’s hustle and bustle, it is still OK to stop and mark the moment of Now with a smile.”

He sat down and wept.

Post Script – The Baby and the Acorn

The purpose of this section is to draw attention to and explain some of the subtleties and principles illustrated behind the story.  These are, however, merely highlights and suggestions.  Readers are of course encouraged to draw their own learning and insights.

The start of the story charts the chance meeting of two youngsters.  It was designed to set the expectation of the style of the parable for the reader, being that it is a fantasy, where imagination takes flight and events are not necessarily in any way bound to our earthly constraints.

The question of “what do you want to be” is common and familiar enough for all of us.  I also believe that it is a golden window of opportunity that we all undervalue and miss out on; for it is the youngsters, pure of mind except for what they brought with them from aeons past, trying to express their soul contract and karmic purpose by using whatever degree of linguistic competency they have thus far grasped.

Both the friends knew innately what they would become, it is coded inside of them as beautiful truth.  The only difference is that whilst one of them was allowed to develop his natural expression, the other one had all the classic kinds of earthly constraints imposed on him – parental pressure, conventional wisdom, sense of obligation, societal expectations, man made values and so on.

Despite the passage of time, when the man saw his friend again, “the friends’ recognition was unmistakable”.  The last time they met as babies, they had “exchanged a briefest moment of eternity”.  They had provided an indelible space in their hearts for each other, having so innocently shared their deepest and wildest.  Much like the old saying about meeting of two sages – it was an exchange of understanding, and no words were needed, or possible.  We have had many of these exchanges in the numerous lifetimes we have had, and it is part of the greater design that we are re-introduced to each other.  Again unfortunately, our earthly, rational mind usually “knows better” than to approach “strangers”, in spite of the eerily unmistakable recognition.

The generously understanding oak discloses the fact that he sees the man come and go twice a day, “his gaze was always but where he actually was”, that’s why he never noticed the oak.  This teaches us about living in the Now.  “When you eat, eat; when you walk, walk”.  This simple instruction is so illustrative about the backwardness of modernity:  we are incessantly distracted by so many things fighting for our attention, we are ultimately losing out as we discount the power and value of focus and concentration.

We then found out the man was commonly distracted by thoughts of work, how he was not enjoying it, how he felt obliged to be intelligent, to go get the right education, how he had no choice but to join certain profession, how he was caught up in the career trap, until the unceremonious wake-up call when overnight he lost the entire structure he had built his life around.  However, notice that we are never forsaken, or tested beyond our ability to cope; for the first time in a long time, he had noticed “how his breath was made visible by the cold winter air”.  Even more importantly, it seems to imply he had noticed the fact that he had noticed.

The wise oak followed on to let him know that whenever he was within reach of his presence, his strides became shorter, slower, his gait less tiresome and his back straighter.  The healing power of large, old trees is well known and practiced by many; this also illustrates that for the enlightened, our mere presence is enough for Light work to be carried out, albeit unbeknownst to the recipient.

You can imagine how poignant a moment it was for the man when the old oak tree relayed to him how he’s been serving by “providing a place of rest for those tired of body, a place of tranquility for those tired of mind, and a place of solace for those tired of spirit…”, etc; for of course, that was the man’s expression of his aspiration at the beginning of the story!

And here’s where I will leave you, the reader, to decide for yourself why the man “sat down and wept”.  Is it because he was painfully reminded of his unfulfilled promise, or was he ecstatically realizing that his friend has been holding the light for him and therefore there is still hope, or was he finally understanding that he’s been in preparation for his real work to come?

It matters not what your conclusion is, except for how you will use what it has informed you of yourself.

January 2008

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